February 2012
4 posts
January 2010
2 posts
December 2009
4 posts
off-road rage
gilligan drove at a pace slower than the posted limit; his eyes were focused on the road. he fumbled at the radio controls and a drop of sweat near his left temple marked the discipline and concentration here-employed. he managed the dial into a position that the broadcast flowed through his speakers, but kept the levels just enough so as to not be distracted by the grating lack of noise. a minute...
fuck everything. →
(via b4hc) / <3 b4hc / <3 this post
October 2009
10 posts
5 tags
one of my least responsible but most fulfilling...
dancing is my life. let me start over. i was born of a vaginal birth, i assume (because i don’t plan on ever asking). maybe uncertainty isn’t the best place to start; i have two hands and two feet. one time someone told me i had two left feet to which i replied, “no i don’t”, at which point i proceeded to take off my shoes and show him. as it turns out i really do...
your mother jokes, anyone?
your mother fucks with such little discretion that most of her diseases have absolutely nothing to do with her affinity for injection drugs and dirty needles.
your mommy is so poor that she couldn’t afford her abortion…and here you are.
your mother’s pussy is so large and ambiguous that people use it to launder money through.
your mom is so fat that when she sits around the...
two shots suicide
3 tags
in the future all children will be adopted, and it will be abnormal for a child to live with his biological parents.
the child, when old enough, should be sat down by his biological parents and informed, “son, we have something important to tell you. we don’t want you to hate us or feel like we’ve been lying to you this whole time— it’s just that….well,...
3 tags
poetry to my ears
freeman makes totally awesome crafts from popsicle sticks and rapes with kindness the innately pessimistic. freeman is slow to work and quick to the dinner table… his penis is a tsunami in a fake can of peanut brittle, and you can play his clavicle like a violin, this i assure you. he doesn’t own, he rents, but maintains proper renter’s insuarance (or does he?!) the microwave...
9 tags
upon learning of some mild recreational drug use on my part, my mom called me to remind me of the potential for addiction in our family. i reminded her that i’ve smoked weed every day for the passed eight years and haven’t become addicted yet. so there, mom.
6 tags
a colonoscopy can be a great thing as long as it is not immediately followed by an endoscopy using the same instrument
11 tags
somewhere, down the street, in one of these...
‘here is the plan! pregnancy tests are ninety-nine percent accurate. if you figure for every one hundred tests a female takes in which the results are correctly negative, there will be one test that gives a false positive. i plan to find this one percent and isolate it and then recreate this scenario over and over again so that the same female, you, continually gets the same false positive....
3 tags
cointelpro
the government has begun a new top secret clandestine operation to undermine the credibility of laundromats. it is being called operation coinoptelpro.
the craze is over
but the people are still crazy
August 2009
20 posts
1 tag
spacebird
once upon a time, in a galaxy far far from home, but close close to the heart, there lived a bird much unlike any bird you’ve seen on earth; he was a spacebird, he could talk and he wore a space helmet. this bird’s name was alexander, and he hated to be called alex or al, or anything other than alexander. he was even one of those guys who had a problem with people calling him dude. “my name isn’t...
5 tags
it seems unlikely that i will ever refer to a british person as a briton; though, i’m certainly not ruling it out…
whenever i drive drunk i pretend i am racing a ghost
4 tags
wednesday
it was wednesday; hump day they called it. that was something i’d always laughed at. hump day. it pleased the people who thought the prefix wednes- was too long, and the people who thought innuendo was funny. i don’t think innuendo was meant for comedic relief; i think it was meant as a precursor to heavy petting. unfortunately, somebody with an ill sense of humor (somebody who laughs...
5 tags
how many polacks does it take to perform an...
one, actually. they’re surprisingly simple.
3 tags
even if jesus could have walked on water, he probably would have slipped.
because, if you think about it, it is water. and water is preeeeeeetty slippery…
6 tags
holy wars
thus satan smote god, so god then smote satan in return; that’s when i stepped in and said boys, please…what are we? in kindergarten? i thought they had learned their respective lessons but when i secretly checked god’s email that night, i found a taunting letter to satan which obviously had no other agenda but to instigate.
5 tags
sometimes my imagination gets away from me [but it...
i’ve been dull my entire life. i was born dull, i grew up dull, i sleep dull, i even fuck dull. life was pretty glum, and i had grown to accept the fact that someday, i would die dull. i woke up every morning at six am, and brushed my gray teeth with my baking soda flavored toothpaste. i eat cornflakes with water because i’m lactose intolerant; i used to not be, but i guess milk...
8 tags
the well-mannered war
when i park it is in a garage
when i walk it is on a cat walk
when the catwalks it connects to the building
where the building exists is where i work.
the clock is where i tell time. but there are two clocks. across the catwalk. i can see two clocks when i walk the catwalk. one is on a church steeple/bell tower. one is on the former county courthouse. when i walk in the morning, one says...
5 tags
my laundromat
my laundromat does not use ‘traditional’ top loading washers, it utilizes only high speed front loading ‘washer-extractors’.
my laundromat does not charge me to rewash my clothes when i ‘oversuds’; my laundromat never uses negative/demonic iconography to deter oversudsing.
my laundromat allows food and drink inside.
my laundromat never charges more than $0.50...
5 tags
7 tags
dear friends,
my band, the stinky potatoes, will be playing live tonight at fitzgerald’s on tenth and mcelroy; it’s just passed fitzgerald’s on tenth and kramer. if you hit the fitzgerald’s on tenth and montgomery, you’ve gone too far. the fitzgerald’s on tenth and montgomery will be showing a satellite broadcast of the show on a twenty-five minute delay, so if you’re...
2 tags
antipasta and a haircut, two bits
everything had grown quiet in the kitchen; all the lights were out. the waiters were out in the dining room cleaning up, and the cooks had left promptly after serving and cleaning their stations. in fact, frankie stopped to admire the job they had done. even though all the lights were off, the countertops still glowed brilliantly. frankie withdrew…they almost looked radioactive, he thought....
11 tags
“+at least the hippies gave us those fat watchbands, and the flappers could...”
– mr. show, season two, the biggest failure in broadway history
5 tags
if all you have is a hammer...
…would it not then be hammertime?
3 tags
the lament of the one that got away
gary stared at the girl’s long slender fingers. he felt overwhelmed; the white silk gloves accentuated their sexuality. you can’t really expect to get girls with all ten fingers with a name like gary. steve, dale, kenneth; these are names that can get girls with all their fingers. gary drooled as he counted again; one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine— he craned...
5 tags
Easter Island - Jesus Rex - 2009
EASTER ISLAND
...
5 tags
do blind people
find it necessary to face eachother during conversation?
i would say no for certain reasons and yes for other certain reasons.
3 tags
the real dandelion lovers...
…you blow them and they go away
6 tags
[chirp]
“why is the subway stopping?” kate asked aloud. she took off her headphones. “this isn’t a stop.”
there was only one other person on the train with her. [chirp] it was inaudible. well, it was unintelligible. apparently the other man on the train understood it. he held the phone to his mouth, pushed a button and spoke. “ok, that sounds...
July 2009
31 posts
6 tags
grizzly bear - untitled #6 from veckatimest...
7 tags
a blind man walks into a bar
a seeing eye dog snickers under his breath
9 tags
some people...
some people maintain that the holocaust never ‘happened’. i take that a step further; i don’t believe the holocaust museum exists.
12 tags
so long and thanks for all the [cheerios]
it was friday and jasper had been waiting for friday for a week now. in fact, it had been less than a week since his parents had first mentioned how they felt that he didn’t need a babysitter anymore, but it had seemed like months; short twenty-four day months where each day lasts but an hour. but all chronology aside, jasper was stoked like a bike. or are those spokes? i don’t know....
6 tags
“we’ll be guided by my new friends, the butterflies, bring us back to our...”
– zee avi, zeeavi.com
6 tags
if somebody told me they were going to subject me to water boarding, i’d be like, ‘sweet! where do i get in line?!’
cuz it totally sounds like fun.
but then i’d be all like, ‘wait, what did you mean by ‘subject me to’?’
8 tags
how to order at quiznos
“i’ll have a bottle of orangina, please.”
“sir—?”
“a bottle of orangina. please.”
“sir we don’t have any bottles of o—”
“fountain’s fine.”
“sir, i’m not sure we have orangina at all. i believe orangina is more of a regional dri—”
“cola, then. i didn’t ask for your life...
16 tags
when all you have is a cuticle knife, every...
when all you have is a knife, every problem looks like [your exgirlfriend]
5 tags
i think i want to be indispensable when i grow up. this seems better even than being a [glorified occupation]. i think.
4 tags
not sure if ‘i’ve heard a lot about you’ is ever a good greeting.